Hey guys,
So some of you may have heard things, some not-for those of
you who have, I’m sorry you didn’t get this from me first. It's probably naive of me to assume that some of you don't know about this-enough people know from different parts of my life that I shouldn't be surprised if it got out. Just know that all
of you are on a special list in my mind; every one of you is someone who I knew I would feel sick about if you heard this from anyone but me. That's why I'm sending this to you.
The long and the short of the message is this: Jen and I have been
separated since early June and at this point, that’s not gonna change. Marriage
was really hard for me basically from the very beginning, and that led to me
having issues that made things a lot worse for both of us. At the beginning, I
was embarrassed and we tried to work things out just between the two of us, but
that didn’t really get us anywhere. Eventually, we included our parents in our
issues and tried to get help and find ways to work things out, but things
didn’t really improve very quickly, and that wore her down to the point that it
was too much for her to deal with.
She told me in late May that she wanted to take a couple weeks apart
just to clear our heads and recuperate from the anxiety/pain it was all causing
for her, and I agreed that that would be great for both of us. Then, to my
surprise, she called me a couple of days after she left to tell me that she
wasn’t coming back, and from that point on, she never changed her mind. We haven’t
spoken since August and I don’t expect to very soon, if ever again.
Sorry to all of you that celebrated with us/rooted for us.
Sorry to all of you who have been such good friends to me, who will feel some
deep heartache upon hearing this news. I hate feeling like I’ve let some of you
down. No one ever thinks this will happen to them or someone they’re close to,
but it turns out that some of us have to be wrong about that.
This is not a plea for sympathy or prayers-honestly, I’ve
known that this was permanent basically since mid-July, so at this point, I
have over 3 months of healing and perspective behind me, and I’m really
starting to feel okay. As soon as I accepted that this was happening, I basically checked out emotionally from thinking/talking about it as much as possible, basically until right now. Not the healthiest way to go through something like this, but you gotta do what you gotta do to survive ha. I'm still active in the church and temple-worthy; in fact, this whole episode has strengthened my commitment to the Lord in a more genuine way than anything else I've ever been through. Denver has been really great to me so far, and it feels
like as good a place as any to start over and learn from all of this. I don’t
even particularly feel like I need anybody to talk to about this at this point
(besides my therapist, who has been a godsend), but I’m willing to talk about/explain
this to any of you anytime you want, if you want. It's nowhere near as painful as it would have been if we'd had a similar conversation 3 months ago. Just wanted all of you to
hear this from me before I 100% turn the page on this part of my life.
I love you all-my friends and family are the #1 reason why I’ve
never stopped feeling like everything was going to be okay, even when things
got deeply depressing and dark.
Much love,
Jason
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